The Day Before the Great Resting

Besides the general house keeping that is always done on Sunday, preparations were in order for the incoming Nor'Easter Monday late afternoon. I cannot do most of this myself, and my husband still works, so it had to happen today. But, why did I force myself to get the housework done as well? Medical leave begins tomorrow, but I still have grades to close for students with extensions. Not like it will take the entire day. Perhaps it is because I like my routines. It is really difficult to break out of them, even new ones that are less than a year old. So why did I do it? I'm always in pain, so resting would have been wise. I'm struggling with a cough since Friday, so resting is a good idea so my body can fight the inflamation in my lungs without needing to contact my doctor and pick up yet more medication. I didn't sleep well last night due to a pain flare, so I was tired. I like my routines. There are many things scary about the possibility of being declared permanently disabled. Disability payments are not a living wage. Boredom. Feeling like I lost the fight against my illnesses. Feeling like I'm letting my children down. Letting my husband down. Not being as strong as I thought. I like my routines. I already recognize my need for routines to be a huge challenge I'm facing. I will need to create or discover new ones soon so I feel like I have some control remaining. So I feel useful.

Wintering

 On January 24, 2021, I listed to Krista Tippet, host of "On Being", speak with Katherine May, author of  "Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times".  It spoke to me.  Deeply.  

I have chronic medical conditions; some explained and others still a mystery.  These became unavoidable as a pre-teen, but I adapted and kept going.  Eleven years ago we found out a piece to the puzzle after my sister's death.  Five years ago my conditions began changing again, worsening, adding co-morbid friends.   As of tomorrow I will be on medical leave for several months.

I'm wintering.

My primary reason for agreeing, yes, agreeing since medical providers have encouraged me to do this for a couple of years, is to get control of my illnesses.  Spend time resting, recovering, managing.  But, it also provides me time for self reflection, rediscovering parts of me pushed aside so I could manage my illness, family, career.  A time to learn.

Someone early in my life told me that she learns something new every day.  Sometimes these are big things, sometimes these things are little.  She stated very clearly that the day she does not learn something new is the day she knows she died.  This stuck with me.  

Our world is adapting, changing, learning, and growing in large ways during this Covid pandemic.  A type of Wintering itself.  So I feel emboldened to take a step towards slowness.  I am not good at change and love my routines.  But, that means reflecting each day can become part of my new daily routine.