How Did I Manage For So Long?

 I am stubborn.  My parents say I get it from my grandparents; all of my grandparents.  I guess that makes me some kind of epic stubborn.  All I know is, right now, I think that is how I managed for so long.

Yesterday wasn't too bad.  Awoke with more energy than the previous two days but made sure to not do much more than I did previously.  Was tired before noon, so I rested.  Then I became one with the couch.  Again.  Dragged myself off in time for a 2 hour online class I'm taking, then passed out after dinner.

Slept all night.

This morning, I'm really tired.  But, I'm enjoying making breakfast with my husband and didn't want to miss it.

I realize a little while into chopping veggies for an omelet that I shoved my exhaustion into a corner.  Mortared the bricks and all.  It was unconscious behavior, but at some point in 30 minutes that morning I took my exhaustion and made it "go away".  But it wasn't gone, it was waiting.

It took a lot of mental energy, but after a couple hours I was able to convince the wall to come down.  The exhaustion is now back, with gusto.

I have been doing this for a long time.  The extreme exhaustion upon waking being put aside so I can teach.  Then wiping me out after school, if not falling asleep, discretely, at my desk for a short nap during my prep time.  Because I have to.  I don't want to stop teaching.  I love teaching; it is a part of me.  I had to care for my own children.  I put my own body's needs to the side for so long to care for others that it became really easy to do.

This isn't physical, it is psychological.  Putting other's needs above my own, even when I'm doing it because it is something that brings me gratification.  I wish I knew more about psychology to put a name to this.  It makes me curious, and I love learning.  

But, right now, I need to take care of my exhaustion.  And researching can be exhausting as much as rewarding.  This isn't just my experience, it is back by research.  

Today's discovery shed a lot of light on comments made by medical professionals about being impressed at how well I hold up considering my considerable medical issues.  Guess I was too stubborn to know otherwise.

Reference:

Hammer, Ashley. “There's a Reason Your Body Is Tired When Your Brain Is Fried.” Discovery, Discovery, 1 Aug. 2019, www.discovery.com/science/Body-Tired-When-Your-Brain-Is-Fried.